Edward Cullen And Strippers Do Not Mix
by PaintTheRainbow
Summary: The Cullen brothers go to a strip club for Edward's bachelor party, where Edward meets a beautiful stripper named Crystal. She immediately throws herself at Edward - what is a man to do? Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1: Do You Have to Go?

**Okay, so this is a little something I imaginee while re-reading _Breaking Dawn_... do you remember in the second chapter, when Edward leaves to go to his "bachelor party," and a worried Bella asks Jasper if she's taking him to a strip club? Well, of course this is not the case... but what if it was? Anyway, that's what happens in this story; Jasper and Emmett take Edward to a strip club for his bachelor party, the night before his wedding. This is all in Edward's point-of-view. So, that's the background to this. Hope you enjoy!**

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We were lying in Bella's small bed, and she lay wrapped in my arms. The bed being so small, I was forced to curl my legs in an awkward angle and heft Bella's weight to one side of my body so she wouldn't fall of the bed … but like I said, Bella lay wrapped in my arms, and I wouldn't trade my place at that moment for anywhere in the world.

We kissed for minutes without talking, which was good because I didn't think I could hold a conversation and concentrate on my crumbling restraint at the same time. Vampires may have more room in their brains than humans, but even I couldn't do both at the same time. With Bella's small hands intertwined in my hair, gripping at the roots, and her warm breath fanning across my marble face, I couldn't clear my clouded head, much less carry on a discussion. Bella's kissing was eager and pure and naïve… and I was the opposite. Every centimeter closer she pressed herself against my granite-hard body, I held her a tiny bit farther apart – although I hated doing it, it was the only way I could be sure not to hurt her. And yet even though I made sure to keep the issue of restraint in the forefront of my mind, I found myself imitating her passionate grip, kissing her more roughly, not caring whether I gripped her too hard. _No_, I told myself, _you must care. Check yourself, always. _With great reluctance, I pulled myself away from her lips. I glanced down at Bella's angelic face, and I was glad I pulled away when I did. Her red lips were slightly swollen around the edges; I cursed myself for being too rough with her. That said, the swollen, full lips were really quite sexy, and I had trouble in keeping from picking up where we'd just left off. To keep my mind off the tempting matter at hand, I asked her a question that had been troubling me the entire day.

"How are your feet?"

I didn't bother to clarify I was referencing the wedding that was to take place the next day; I knew she knew what worried me.

Bella's eyebrow rose, and she hurried to set me straight. She talked, but for once, I wasn't listening. I was too preoccupied with the way her lips moved, her small tongue darting from between her two front teeth every once in a while to pronounce a word. It was truly intoxicating. I noticed the way Bella glanced at me after she spoke, checking my face for a reaction; my cold, motionless warmed a little every time this happened. It never failed to excite me that she actually cared about what I thought.

We talked for a while, and all too soon I heard a scrape on the window pane, the Cullen brothers' secret signal. (Actually, the secret signal had just been devised the day before by Emmett. After experiencing a brief moment of brotherly love, Emmett became convinced that all brothers needed a secret signal of some kind, and he suggested a noisy, disconcerting scraping sound as ours. I gave my consent, because I knew my agreement would be the only thing to shut him up.)

As the disturbing, steely sound rang throughout the bedroom, I felt Bella shudder beneath me. Instinctively, I tightened my grip around her.

"If you don't send Edward out," Emmett hissed, "we're coming in after him."

I rolled my eyes toward the direction of the window, hoping he saw my disapproval of his conduct. Bella's body immediately relaxed; she laughed.

"Go," she told me. "_Before _they break my house."

I didn't want to leave my Bella, but I knew my brothers would force me to, one way or another. With a lengthy sigh, I rolled to my feet, tugged on my shirt, and gave Bella a quick kiss on the forehead. Her face brightened, and my stomach turned to jelly. Why did this beautiful woman have such a powerful pull over me? It simply wasn't fair.

Without further ado, I leaped out the window and found Emmett dangling from a nearby tree. Coiling up on the balls of my feet, I rushed at his big, hulking figure, tackling him to the ground. Our combined weight was muffled slightly by the clump of bushes below, but it was still loud enough to make a resounding _thwack! _throughout the immediate area. I was slightly annoyed by Emmett's previous antics, so I didn't hold myself back when I punched him solidly on the chest.

"Ow!" Emmett whined, though I knew it didn't really hurt him. After all, how could a playful punch hurt a 6'4, 250-pound vampire?

Jasper landed softly next to our entangled bodies, skillfully using the soft pads of his feet to cushion the impact his body made upon the ground. We straightened up, brushing the dirt and grass from our clothing.

"Where are we going?" I finally asked. My brothers had come to take me to my "bachelor party," and I was very doubtful of what the evening would entail.

Emmett and Jasper looked at each other and grinned mischievously.

"Well…" Jasper began, avoiding my gaze. My curiosity spiked.

"Don't get mad, but we're taking you to a strip club." Jasper laughed nervously, and Emmett punched him on the shoulder.

I took an automatic step backward, holding up my hands in warning.

"I don't think so, guys. Not only would I hate that, but do you know angry Bella would be if she heard I went to a _strip club _the night before our wedding?" I shook my head and turned to climb the tree to return to Bella's sweet embrace, but Emmett's strong grip on my shoulder stopped me.

"Dude, that's why you're not going to tell her!" he exclaimed. I stayed where I was, my back facing my brothers. Emmett continued.

"Look, I know all this sounds silly and immature to you, but it would really please me and Jasper both if you came out with us tonight – for all we know, it could be our last night together as we know it! Once you and Bella become a thing, for real, who knows what's going to happen to our brotherly bonding time?"

After finishing his impressive speech, Emmett looked down at his hands and pouted. It was obvious he was putting on a show to try to get me to agree to his plans, but my resolve wavered anyway. Maybe my brothers _were_ feeling left out…or something like that? It was true that my attention had left my family and focused entirely on Bella once I had met her, the love of my life. Were they hurt by our exclusivity? I glanced at Jasper, who quickly rearranged his face into a display of great sulking and moping once he noticed my intense gaze. I looked at Emmett again, who by this time had even managed to conjure a small, glistening tear that slid down his cheek. I laughed and slowly nodded my head.

"Okay, okay. I'll do it." What was I getting myself into?

My brothers whooped and hollered, pounding me on the back with their fists.

"This is gonna be an experience for you," Emmett said, a huge grin breaking out on his face. I put my hands on my hips to emphasize my sternness and determination for my following declaration.

"I'll do it," I continued, "but I'm not going to like it."

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It was a dingy, run-down bar in an alley in Port Angeles – not exactly high-class. Of course, being in a dark, dirty alley in Port Angeles brought forth a crushing surge of painful memories: Bella, cornered by four hulking men, thinking dirty, loathsome thoughts about her. Remembering this incident was hard for me; for a moment, all I could see was flashing red. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands as I thought about that night, and a low, rumbling growl ripped through my chest. Jasper and Emmett looked back at me.

"Dude, you okay?" Emmett asked me, concerned.

Jasper was more sensitive to the precarious situation at hand; he could feel the tangible fury and pain rolling off my tense body in waves. Jasper's lips parted in surprise, and almost immediately a ripple of peaceful serenity flooded through me, temporarily erasing the crippling anger. I breathed deeply, trying to steer my mind away from the image of a helpless, defenseless Bella about to be preyed on. I shook my head once and nodded gratefully at Jasper.

We continued down the alley. Overflowing garbage cans lined the walls, and ragged, homeless individuals sat by the filthy cans, picking bony remains from them. Lacy spider webs clung to the alley's moldy walls. An overpowering stench of garbage, mold, and cigarette smoke reached me; I wrinkled my nose in disgust. This was the location of my bachelor party?

It was about ten o'clock at night, and the nightlife in Port Angeles was just kicking off. We arrived at the doors of the club; I hung back, doubtful of my brothers' plans. A long line twisted down the block, and a massive bouncer at the door was letting the line in slowly, one by one. Jasper nodded at the bouncer, and the Guido-looking man immediately let us enter. Reluctantly, I followed my brothers through the swinging doors.

The scent of smoke and alcohol hit me directly in the face as I took a step forward. Pulsating lights, scantily-clad women sliding promiscuously up and down poles, and the abundance of sloshing beer were prominent features of this particular bar; in other words, a typical club. We sat down at the bar, and Emmett ordered three Budweisers. My brothers were looking around the noisy room in interest; I readied myself for a night for utter boredom. Strippers, alcohol, and the club atmosphere did not captivate me in the slightest – the only reason I came was to appease my brothers. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of the exotic dancers making a beeline for our group.

She looked about twenty-five years old, and she wore two thin strips of shredded cloth: one wrapped around her bust and the other covering her bottom. She walked toward us unsteadily on four-inch spiked heels. Her face was painted with garish makeup, and her wavy blonde hair was twisted in a long plait down her back. I heard Emmett hum appreciatively.

"Hi, boys," she murmured, leering at us. Actually, I noticed with dread, she was leering mostly at me. She stared at me, trying to catch my gaze; I looked down at the floor. All I could do was to compare the girl in front of me to my Bella. Bella barely wore any makeup, never wore such revealing clothes, and yet she was a million times sexier than the girl standing in front of me. My heart ached for Bella; I imagined her lying in her bed, her long limbs tangled in the sheets, her tresses fanning across the pillow. My heart ached, and I longed desperately to hold her in my arms. What was I even doing here, anyway? I had absolutely no desire to be surrounded with strippers. This was ridiculous.

I glanced up, looking for Jasper and Emmett to tell them my plans to leave, but they were nowhere to be found. I looked for them in the crowd, but all I could see was a mass of writing, sweaty bodies gyrating to the thumping music. Suddenly, I felt a blast of warm, alcohol-scented breath tickle my ear.

"My name is Crystal," the girl whispered, draping her tanned arm around my neck. "What do you say we have a little fun?"

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**Uh-oh! Crystal is getting awfully close to Edward, Bella's man! Will he succumb to her seduction, or will he stay true to the love of his life? I promise to update soon with the next chapter - the more feedback I get, the more I'm motivated to write, so please drop me a review if you have time. In the meantime, let your imagination wander...**


	2. Chapter 2: I Shouldn't Have Done It

**This is part two of EC & Strippers Do Not Mix. Hope you like it!**

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**Without waiting for an answer, Crystal slid her hand up my thigh, digging her fingernails in as she reached the top of my leg. I noticed her nails were very long, painted a pearly pink with white edges. Again, I couldn't help but compare them to Bella's, whose nails were short, neat, and usually painted with a clear polish. My heart gave an involuntary squeeze as I thought of her back in Forks, asleep and unknowing of my brothers' shenanigans. Suddenly, the long nails that clutched my leg seemed like claws.

"I don't think I'll be needing your services tonight, Crystal," I said sarcastically, brushing her hand away with a snap of my wrist. I stood up abruptly and searched the dancing crowd for Jasper's and Emmett's familiar faces. Once I got a hold of them, I'd let them know exactly how I felt about this senseless bachelor party.

About to move away from the bar table, I automatically stopped when I felt Crystal's viselike grip on my upper arm. I glanced back; she was pouting, a hand on her curvy hip. I realized she was confused – no man must have ever turned her down before. As she snaked her other hand around my waist, I also realized what I must have looked like to her. Tall, broodingly handsome, with a touch of mystery. The clothes I was dressed in by Alice's fashionably-critical eye – pressed khakis, brown loafers, and a silk blue button-down dress shirt – must have looked very expensive to Crystal, and she probably thought she could get a week's worth of tips out of me. Although I was uncomfortable and irritated with the current situation, I didn't totally blame Crystal. She seemed like she would be a nice, decent girl in another job, one that didn't require taking her clothes off in front of strangers. She would even be quite pretty without all that makeup and skimpy clothes. My wayward contemplation distracted me, and at first I didn't recognize that Crystal was stripping in front of me.

With a practiced air of seduction, Crystal slipped off her top, revealing a black, lacy bra underneath. She twirled around and unraveled the long braid on her back, shaking her long blonde tresses around. This caught the rapt attention of the other men at the bar, and they howled and whooped as she pushed me down onto the nearest chair, climbing into my lap. The men crowded around us and shouted crude, vulgar things at Crystal.

"Mmm, baby, you're looking hot tonight!"

"Suck it, honey, suck it!"

"Wanna do me next, sweetie?"

I didn't know how to react. Crystal was now nibbling on the edge of my earlobe, her long arms thrown around my neck, but I didn't just want to throw her off my lap onto the floor. That would be rude, and like I said before, she seemed like a nice girl. I didn't want to offend her. Desperate, I kept scanning the bar for Jasper and Emmett, willing for their help. What exactly was I supposed to do in a situation like this? Crystal's warm breath on my face distracted me slightly, and I shuddered to think of Bella's reaction to this whole affair.

The men shouted loudly, which drew my wandering attention to the girl perched on my lap – Crystal was taking off her skirt now. She threw the strip of cloth into the crowd of her male admirers, and the men hollered rowdily. I leaned back onto the table, gripping it with my fingers. This was really too much. Did my brothers actually expect me to enjoy myself? They knew the only girl for me was Isabella Swan.

Crystal must have taken my table-gripping for barely unrestrained passion, since she bent her lips to my neck and began kissing my cold skin with vigor. Her hand slipped under my shirt and rubbed my chest, the other hand making its way between my legs. No. This was not right.

I thought again of Bella, of her reaction when I told her about Tanya, the Alaskan vampire who had shown her attraction towards me in a previous century – I had politely set Tanya straight, of course. Bella's cheeks had flushed a flaming red when I told her of this little piece of information, and her eyes narrowed in jealousy. A thrilled surge had jolted through me when the evidence of her jealousy registered in my brain. This, however, was different. Bella would be disgusted if she saw me now, practically entertaining my own personal stripper in a lap that was designated for her, and her only. She would be more than disgusted – it would _hurt _her. It would literally hurt her.

Enough.

I stood up automatically, dumping Crystal on the beer-soaked floor of the bar. The men surrounding us yelled in irritation as the show was unexpectedly cut short. Drunkedly, Crystal held up one hand.

"Honey, baby, where you going?" she slurred.

Not bothering to answer, I strode off, making a beeline for the exit of the bar. Once I reached the outside and cool, refreshing air reached my nostrils, cleaning away the rancid, smoky air I had been breathing in, I took off into a sprint down the alley. Jasper and Emmett would need the Jeep to get home, so I decided to run to Bella's house.

I ran forty miles from Port Angeles to the town of Forks in twenty minutes – my own personal record. The cold air whipping against my face and my clothes cleared my hazy mind; each leaping step I took, the more I grew nauseated with my earlier actions, and the more I realized that Bella could never know of them. It would hurt her too much – and after James, I had made it my life goal to never cause her harm again.

I reached Bella's house. Adrenaline surging through my body, I took a few steps backward and propelled myself onto the narrow window sill of her bedroom window. I wrenched open the glass pane, causing the frame to shudder under my strength. A loud squeak blasted through the bedroom; I cringed. From my position, I could see the fuzzy outline of Bella's unconscious body lying in bed. The outline blurred, then moved.

"Edward?"

Bella's sleepy voice rang throughout the room, and my heart swelled to gigantic proportions at the sound of her. I could see her looking around with increasing speed, her shoulders beginning to tense in disappointment when she couldn't see me anywhere. I hurried to step out of the shadows.

"I'm here, darling."

I rushed to her side, enveloping her in my arms. I heard Bella's quick intake of breath as I pressed my glass-smooth lips against hers, urgently and ferociously. She kissed me back. I wound my fingers in her hair, crushing her fragile body to mine, desperately willing all of the night's memories out of my over analytical mind. I leaned back for a moment and gazed at my Bella, drinking in the beauty and goodness of her heart-shaped face, the way her eyes crinkled in the corners when she smiled, the way her full bottom lip jutted out a tiny bit further than her top lip. Unable to resist, I kissed her lips once more, then pulled away.

Cradling Bella delicately in my arms, I pulled her down beneath the covers and rested her soft head on the rumpled pillow. She sighed in content. My heart squeezed, and I quivered as crippling anger towards myself rushed through my veins. I absentmindedly stroked the length of Bella's smooth jaw to calm my explosive thoughts, and it worked temporarily.

Within a few moments, Bella's breathing became even; her chest rose up and down in a perfect rhythm. I waited a few more moments, making sure she was asleep. If she was even slightly conscious, Bella would not like what I was about to do one bit.

Before I could change my mind, I carefully disentangled myself from Bella's hold and walked swiftly over to the farthest corner of the bedroom. I immediately felt anxiety, followed by remorse and loss, as I left my love's side. I pressed myself into the room's corner where the door was, welcoming the doorknob's hard jab in my spleen. Once I was away from the pure and innocent being that Bella was, I allowed myself to be consumed in my always-present volatile thoughts of self-hate and loathing.

I would not leave the room.

I did not have the strength for that.

But being away for her, not being able to hold her in my arms for one night, would be my punishment. I settled into my makeshift cocoon of abhorrence and revulsion, preparing myself for what surely was to be a long night.

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**I don't know if I should do more -- tell me what you guys think. If you think I should, throw me a storyline to follow... I don't really have any more ideas at this point. ^_^**


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